Torpedoes, Carrots, and Pythons: My Favourite Spam Subject Lines

While I despise spam email, I must confess that I get a certain guilty pleasure from the copywriting 'skills' of the spammers.

A few years ago, I started collecting some of the more outlandish and (at least to me) amusing email subject lines from the many thousands of spam emails I received promoting various 'solutions' related to my private parts.

It takes a certain twisted creative genius to make your spam message stand out from the rest. And whoever wrote these gems certainly has mad talent, at least by spammer standards. Sometimes the writing is clever. Sometimes it is accidentally funny. And sometimes it's just plain bizarre.

Here are 10 of my all-time favourites:

1. "Small friend is for hiding, big friend is for showing off."
Even if the product they are pitching works as promised, I still don't think I would be walking around the neighbourhood showing off the results.

2. "The hard friend in your pants will look up into the sky."
Thanks, but I would prefer it if my friends stayed out of my pants.

3. "Men will see your power in every public shower."
If they did, wouldn't I be arrested?

4. "Who doesn't love a big gun in the pants."
Isn't that what holsters are for?

5. "Make your love torpedo drive all the way to her tanker."
Maybe I missed that SexEd class, but I'm not entirely clear on where I would find a woman's tanker.

6. "Transform from a grass snake to a python."
Have you ever seen a python? Ick!

7. "Make your man's carrot grow."
What the heck are they selling, fertilizer?

8. "To the stars your manhood flies when you are happy with your size."
This writer's a poet and they don't even know it.

9. "We can make your man's volcano erupt like a famous Etna!"
Lava. Fire. Smoke. Thanks, but I can do without those in the bedroom.

10. "Put your doughnut in her oven."
If my 'thing' looks like a doughnut, I should see a doctor.

I hope the days of the spammer are numbered. Until then, at least we have can enjoy a good laugh at their expense.

Comments

[Dave]

I've got a "variation" of #10 once that went along the lines of:
"Put your floppy in her A:\ drive"

[Philip Paradis]

Very nice list :). I should start keeping a list of my own, as the creativity of spammers is endless. My favorite subject line from recent history was "Dammit, answer me!" in my Gmail spam queue. It had a nice ring of desperation to it (the "product" of course was stuff to make my private bits bigger). Good stuff.

I'm off to upgrade SpamAssassin now, thanks for reminding me...

[John John]

Ouch, Ouch, my gut is still aching! And you owe me a new keyboard!

[McAwesome]

More "Dick Spam" here - http://twitter.com/deandouche - enjoy.

[Geroge]

This is nothing. I used to collect spam e-mail subject lines and the ones I have are way way funnier.

[Noname]

To George: I show you mine if you show me yours.

[retrogaming]

Yeah, e-mail programs should have the spam folder renamed to "humour mail".

[Joe]

Regarding #4:
They might want to have a chat with former Giant Plaxico Burress about carrying big guns in the pants.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3733021

Might not lead to bloodshed, but maybe embarrassing stains?

[DaVince]

My spam keeps telling me to stop smoking. And I don't even smoke.

[Aliah]

Heh, they keep sending me those e-mails offering making my "parts" bigger, but I'm a woman! You don't even know how tempted I am to answer...
And here's one of the latest: "Give her double portion with your new proportion".
That's a poetry people! :)

[Evelyn Sinclair]

Some of my collection, raging from the sublime --

 "Step on the arousal glory way"

To, well not so sublime:

Exclude flaccid hose risk

threatening:

Make her shout like alarm
Become her brutal banger
 Liquidate man's main problem
Sharpen your love-sword
Your drawbolt will go deeper in

Strange:

Support your custard launcher
Get incredible letch for girls
Stop repelling your manliness
Blow her with your hormones
Give her real immoral pleasure
She wants you huge python in her now!

Hopeful:

Be a man every time, everywhere, with any woman.
Better wang parameters!
No problem in raising wang
Turn from sparrow to eagle
Your mans engine wont crush
Your mans ship wont sunk
Launch your love spaceship
  Make your meat-stick massive
  Get real rod for doing her
Your wang will reach ceiling
Become macho de luxe
 Be in vanguard of loving mastery
Desire will literally circulate in your wang
Turbines for your meat jet
Become loveworthy one!
Simple and smart way for becoming her best and only man
Make your zipper knight the best in the whole town.

Elaborate:

Really awesome power hanging between your legs! Isn't it your dream?
big proud friend in the pants will overshadow the Empire State building.
Make your boner so iron in could pierce a hole in ceiling.
She'll get sweaty when you enter the room because she has tested your amazing organ
Awaken your animal instinct and every girl will see good candidate for a hot night in you
Her moans will go one after another in rhythm of your hard ramming

Distinctly not from the US:

 Makee yoour eretcions eeven stifefr thaan theey weere befroe
Impersonse hard erection disability pills

(As a woman who isn't all that interested in the products for myself or anyone I know, I try to make the best of the spam inundation by appreciating it, and, yes, doing a little curating.)

[melanie]

Funny list. I didn't pay attention to any of my spam emails before. After reading this, I might have a check. haha!

[David Parry]

My personal favourite spam subject line: "Go all night long... like a sewing machine!"

So, apparently, where they come from, being called "Needle-dick" is not an insult...

[TangMu]

I thought I'd (privates-ly) increase the size of my personal folder in my email account just to count how many 'dick spams' I'm recieving. I just checked and there are 100 right now - representing about a week of saving DS's. 72 of which are still unopened. I went as far as to 'hover' my mouse (no NO, not that mouse) over the URL and it appears that almost all of these DS's that I did open originate from a URL that ends with ".cn" - which means they are coming from China.
So, apparently, after three thousand + years of cultural evolution and more recent govt restrictions on having more than one child per household [forced birth control] - the Chinese have opted to help the rest of us to increase our "size & girth" and related capabilities/// why? I suppose "they care" about us. It couldn't be just for the money, right? . . . hmmm
wow - what is this world cuming to?
TangMu [US expat in BANG-KOK Thailand] OH!

[Joel Gray]

Hahah funny lines! Well, I do not find them effective.